ME 5.0

I have been aware of  my shifting consciousness for some time.  It started slowly but now has momentum.

As I look back over what I used to call  my "past lives," I realize that referring to my past in this way was not constructive.  The term "past" implies closure or ending.  It means somehow "it's over."  I think I used it as a device to protect myself from painful times.  I used it to try to forget failures.

1.0
I was raised to hide my feelings and that any failure was an indictment of my parent. After all, I was the oldest so I should be the strongest and most self-sacrificing.  In my mother's mind she was doing her job--feeding and clothing us.  For me, though it was not enough. I needed advice, nurturing and love--never heard the words I love you--ever.  No hugs either.  There was just an unrelenting expectation to handle it. raise myself and my siblings and make sure our house was well kept and there was no trouble.  In our small town, in our house, anything that might reflect badly on my mother was forbidden.  I was not a child.  I was the fixer, the caretaker, the keeper of the image.

2.0 Empty
After I left home I experienced this intense compulsion.  I was looking for something that I knew I was missing.  I think losing those childhood demands left me without any sense of purpose.  No one cared about my grades, how clean the house was.  I had no one and no image to protect and Iwas not  equipped to do these things for myself.  I learned and intellectually embraced the concepts of personal growth and enlightenment.  I knew that I should have been embracing, learning from and using the experiences  of  my life to fuel my growth, development and to help me avoid making the same mistakes again but I simply did not know how.  Knowing something intellectually is much