All In: Living What I Know to Be True

I have often said that know something intellectually or believing it to be true is entirely different than living it.  This is especially true in the case of things spiritual and changing bad habits.

Recently I've noticed a strong and forceful change in my heart and spirit.  There is something moving inside me that is giving me strength and compelling me to take responsibility for my actions.  It is freeing me from the pain of my past and the tactics I employed to escape that pain.  I grow stronger everyday.  I am more disciplined and focused.  For the first time I am clear about what I want and what I need to do to create the reality I desire.  I feel free.  For the first time in my life I feel free to fully be me.

This is remarkable because I was raised to put my own wants and needs last.  I was the oldest child in what was essentially a single-parent household.  I was the surrogate parent to my younger siblings and because my mother worked 16 hour days, often 7 days a week, I was the default adult in our household.  It was my job to ensure that the household was managed up to my mothers standards and that I and my siblings performed in school and behaved in public. 

Meeting these demands meant that at the tender age of 8 years, I became an adult.  This resulted in a series of problems at each subsequent phase of my life but I'll leave that for another time.  Suffice it to say that what I internalized was this often uttered phrase directed at me "you are the oldest, you should understand and just wait."  I realize that many people grew up in this situation.  I just didn't have the strength to hold on to myself in the process.  I've been wandering in the wilderness in search of myself ever since.  That is until now.

I am through waiting.  I am through making excuses and letting go of neuroses ingrained by the past.  I've been through a lot--probably more than anyone would ever guess--but I am still here.  It's just that I've finally realized that I matter and I don't need to be afraid of acknowledging that.  I am working everyday to live what I know to be true and to not do what I no better than.  I sincerely believe that living this way is my path to freedom.

In consciousness, Y.